


I'm falling again

by velvxtmoss



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Fix-It, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Unrequited Love, bucky says what needed to be said, steve just needs a reality check, tags added with second part
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28743918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velvxtmoss/pseuds/velvxtmoss
Summary: All Bucky could do was stare. What about me? His heart screamed, beating rapidly, angrily, against his chest, What was the fucking point of finding me? Of saving me? What was the goddamn point Steve?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson
Kudos: 24





	I'm falling again

**Author's Note:**

> I mean, the title is based off of Harry Styles' "Falling"
> 
> Part 2 should come in the next few days!!
> 
> Enjoy!

Bucky was staring at the lake - the sunset was kissing the water like a promise - when he heard shuffling beside him. It was a calming presence, one that felt like home, like a warm hug, one that was overwhelmingly peaceful. He shifted and glanced over to the man who’d settled next to him, the freshly shaven face sending flashes of a smaller, less haunted version of his friend. 

Steve looked back at Bucky with his bright blue eyes, and before Steve could shove a smile onto his features, the brunet noted a slight grimace that had been painted all over his face. 

“Hey Buck,” Steve whispered, eyes darting to the ground, seeming to find his dress shoes more interesting than the lake or his friend, “So…” he trailed off and clenched his jaw, looking up at the sky as if the clouds would fill up the silence. 

‘So…” Bucky echoed, nudging Steve with his shoulder, “What's got you lookin’ like that?”

Steve’s jaw - if it was even possible - tightened further, “Like what?” he asked, tilting his head defiantly, his eyes darkening with slight aggravation, like he somehow forgot that Bucky had watched his face twist with anger or nerves every time he pitched a plan that was risky. 

A sigh escaped Bucky’s lips as he tried to formulate a response that was more articulate and thought out than, _‘Like you’ve got a dumbass fucking idea stewin’ up in your perfect damn brain of yours.’_ or _‘Like you have serious news and it aches my very bones to see your body curled up into itself.’_

Instead, Bucky chews on his bottom lip for a second and chuckled, “Like,” he whispered, “you have an idea that I might not like very much.” 

Steve's shoulders tensed up but his jaw looked less like it’d give him a headache with the force put upon his jaw, “I don’t think you’ll absolutely hate my plan… but it’s a big decision and I want to let you know.” 

Bucky raised an eyebrow and nodded, “They want you to return the stones, right?”

The blond started to play with his hands, “Yeah… but-”

“Well, I don’t think that’d be too dangerous, considering the fact that you jump out of planes without parachutes.” Bucky narrowed his eyes and waved around, “Or are ya plannin’ to do that while you give them back?” 

“No, Buck… but I-”

“I mean, you better not be planning to crash a plane-”

“Bu-”

“Or planning on jumping on a grenade-”

“Bucky, please-”

“Or are you gonna sign up to be another lab rat...-”

A sound of frustration stopped Bucky from continuing to list the dumb shit his friend has done over the years. It sounded like it came from the back of Steve's throat, deep in his chest, curling out into the world, _“Bucky,”_ Steve said in a whisper, but it sounded like a scream from where Bucky was standing, loud and anguished. 

The face that Steve was pulling made Bucky understand poetry a bit better, because while it was irritated, there was a faint smile on his lips, like even though Bucky was pushing, he was still happy. Bucky stared at Steve, with his bushy eyebrows and crooked nose, with the dim light of the sun beaming gently upon them. 

Bucky’d known that he loved Steve back when it was illegal, back when they lived together and went to art classes and Bucky thought of the future, bright and open and full of happiness. He remembers looking over at his smaller friend and knowing that nobody could ever replace him, had memorized his freckles and his blue eyes and the way they reacted during certain events. 

Bucky had always loved Steve, down to his bones, he knew but never said anything. He preferred to stay silent, stick with his soundless feelings. He was dammed to this hushed whisper between his heart and himself when he first saw the boy, bloody and bruised. 

The moving lake was filling the air with ambient noise as Steve huffed through his nose, “I’m gonna stay with Peggy… in the past.” 

With those words, Bucky felt like he’d been drenched with cold water, like his heart was going to burn, like the world was plummeting and he was going to hell. He gaped. 

“You know…” Steve continued, “I wanna get the life that Tony was always talkin’ about. The family, the suburban home… everything.” 

All Bucky could do was stare. _What about me?_ His heart screamed, beating rapidly, angrily, against his chest, _What was the fucking point of finding me? Of saving me? What was the goddamn point Steve?_

There was some part of himself - a deeper, quieter part - that cried softly, whispering, _If that’d make him happy… if leaving me will keep a smile on his face, then it's okay. Right?_

“Bucky?” Steve spoke, cutting his thoughts off, “Are you okay?”

The angry part won. 

Bucky blinked and smiled bitterly, “Oh yeah pal, I’m doin’ just dandy!” he gasped incredulously, almost laughing at the shocked expression on Steve's face, “I came back from the dead just a week ago, and before -- before, I was recovering from decades of torture! Can you believe it?” he laughed sarcastically, “And I did this all, the therapy, the journaling, the cryo, every-fucking-thing for my best goddamn friend! The same one that pushed and pushed while I was running because he said - _he said “‘til the end of the line”_ \- and I believed him!” 

“Buck-”

“Shut the fuck up.” Bucky growled, “You don’t get to speak right now.” and Bucky was still aching on the inside, the hollow of his ribs were crying and he didn’t notice but so were his eyes, his red and puffy eyes, “I was offered an out in the war, but I stayed, and that’s on me because I had to know that the man I loved - _the man that I love_ \- was safe. I died with your name on my lips, and then I wasn’t dead. You died, but you weren’t dead either.” 

Bucky was hysterical at this point, airing out everything that he felt, “You begged me to kill you and then…” his voice cracked as a sob ripped through his throat, “you said that you’d stay with me.”

The world around them was still as Steve took in every word that Bucky yelled and Bucky heaved air into his lungs, taking a deep breath as he let himself gather his thoughts. 

“I did everything for you,” he mumbled, tears falling down onto his flushed cheeks, “and I know that it was all my choice, but… you did everything for me too, right?”

The blond sniffed as he cried silently, “I…-”

“Don’t.” Bucky rasped, “Please…”

“You love me?” Steve asked, “You’re… in love with me?”

Bucky, with exhaustion and resignation seeping into his blood, just nodded. He said what he needed to say, because if Steve was leaving him… Well, there's no better time than the present. He sat on the ground, tucking his feet in and looked at the nature around him, “You know…” he mumbled, “I’m tired, Stevie.” he ran flesh hand on the ground as he continued to speak, “I’ve been fighting for you… and I want you to be happy, I really do. And if it’s in the past, then go be happy in the past.”

Steve stumbled over to the spot where the brunet was sitting, and fell to the grass. 

Bucky looked up with his teary eyes and smiled sadly, “I’ll be here, Stevie. Waitin’ for you.”

“Buck…” Steve whimpered, “Bucky,” he paused and grabbed his best friend's hand, “I didn’t know… I thought that I was the only one, and the opportunity came with me being able to live with the love that I lost? I thought it was a gift, I had no idea. I thought that if I told you how I felt, that you’d leave… and I’m so damn selfish because I’ve seen you leave me so many times that I wanted to leave before you could… before you had a reason to.” 

The brunet's eyes widened as his lips fell apart, soft puffs of air filtering in and out of his mouth, “But… you love Peggy.”

Steve nodded, “My love for her… is different than my love for you.” the grip on his friends hand tightened, “With her, it was fast, a rush, a high… she was loud…” there was hesitancy in his voice as he continued, “With you, Buck… it grew like a flower. It was slow and tender and all of a sudden, it was a garden. A garden filled with silence and peace, with thorns and soft edges. My love for you… it’s like I couldn’t help it, even if I tried.”

_Oh, Bucky’s heart wept,_ oh.


End file.
